WARNING: BAD MOOD

So, please don't read this if you are looking for my typical wry-ish (I like to think) humor. I really don't have it in me today. I just want to vent...and I'm regretting my happy little invitation for everyone to read my blog because I don't really want y'all to see what an ugly person I really am. But in the interest of honesty and the need to vent, here I am. Raw. Unleashed. Read at your own risk.
I'm just going to preface this one more time, in case you actually decided to keep reading. I really do love my husband, my son, and my daughter. Really. I'm just having a bad day. I'll vent, and then I'll be happier. I promise. Please don't refer me to Pine Rest. Been there, done that, burned the t-shirt.
I hate my life. Oh, not every day. Just most of them. Not every hour. Just the waking ones (ok, that was a joke.). Actually, the sleeping ones are worse because I don't feel rested when I'm done, and I just feel like it was a waste for all the things I needed to be doing and instead took the time out to try to get some rest. I hate the responsibilities, the little bitty things, and the non-routine that has become my life. I'm not sure how many of you understand, and I wouldn't really expect you to, but having everyone home together, all the time, twenty-four hours a day, is not the vacation one would think.
First of all, there is stress because we have no money. At least that we can use. And yet we still spend it. We think that garage sale bargains don't count because they're so cheap (and when I say "We" I mostly mean Chip and Sean), so we spend money that we don't account for at those.
Then there's stress because everyone and everything is clamoring for our time that we should be spending looking for a job (some necessary, like paying bills and calling around trying to get the bills lower; some, like this blog, totally unnecessary in most peoples' minds, but usually a pleasant distraction and way to record the events of the day). Housework, Sean, job training, Sophie, work searches, Sean, parents, Sophie, neighbors, Sophie, kids who stop by unannounced, Sophie, shopping more savvily, Sean, computer games, Sean, television, Sophia, blogs, laundry, Sophie, you get the idea. And we'd usually rather spend it with Sean, Sophie, or other people. But there's still just not enough time to do those things and get to the ones that need to get done.
Then there's stress because Sean won't give Dad two minutes to even go to the bathroom, and Sophie does the same for Mom. Please don't bug me about this, but lately I've even been taking my shower with her, because if I don't, there isn't anyone to be with her when I do, and she gets her bath at the same time, thus saving water, time, and money. How fortunate for the pocketbook. When I say there isn't anyone to be with her, that's of course not totally true. Dad's here most of the time. But I feel guilty, like if I'm showering with her, then I'm freeing up time for him to look for work, fix his resume, do the dishes he said he would do, or get turned down for yet another thing we think will be really beneficial to him (like the news of his not being qualified for a grant for more "education/ceritifications" because his job field, which he hasn't even been able to find hits on some weeks in this area, is "too high-growth" and in demand. But I digress). But I don't tell him this because that would be nagging, so instead of anything getting done, he sits and watches "Fairly OddParents" with Sean. Don't get me wrong, I'd like him to have some down time, but when is it my turn? I don't even get to go for a ride by myself. No alone time for me, unless it's 2 am and I sacrifice sleeping for a few minutes of escape into a good book. And then does it count as alone time, because 50% of the time, Sean has already made his way fron his bed to ours for the night, and Sophie has this nice new thing of making mer her pacifier, which I allow because it lets us both sleep, but which I totally don't WANT to allow and feel powerless to fix without SuperNanny's help (yes, I tried a real pacifier). So I read while everyone's sleeping and with Sophie latched on painfully, and that's my alone time. I know it's wrong, and I don't know what to do to make it different. I should be willing to sacrifice a few nights of sleep to get her to figure this out, but I can't seem to feel that way when it is the middle of the night (many nights I don't take the time to read; I just wake up when she's hungry and get her, and then she hangs on for dear life for about 2 hours - it seems - while I try every five minutes to get her to let go). I really am a person who needs her sleep. I know I seem lazy to most of you. I don't know why I want to sleep so much (like 7 hours is too much to ask?!?). I feel guilty when I take a rare nap, but I don't really know why I should. Would it be better for me to be in this mood all the time or try to sleep it off? And does sleep really help, anyway? If I'm just going to feel guilty about the nap, then it wasn't really worth it in the end, was it? So I'm stuck here. In my angry place. Without Chip's fabulous drugs. (that don't seem to be helping his headaches as much anymore, but do seem to lessen his stress level. And that's all I'll say about that; If you're interested, look up the side-effects of Wellbutrin and Cymbalta online - he's got em all except the seizures!)
So where was I? Oh yes, I hate my life. Chip said it well last night: There's just something about a dog who's been beaten so many times: he quits coming to people with his tail wagging, and everytime someone raises an arm, he expects the beating to come. He just quits trying. I want you to understand, but have no words for explaining, that that is how we feel. People we know read the fine print and understand things and it works out for them. We read the fine print and are sure we're on the right track and we get beaten. We do the things that we need to do for the short-term and the long-term gets worse. We try to look at the long-term, and our short-term gets screwed. I just feel like quitting. Like crawling into a hole and waiting it out. I feel torn between hoarding and using up. I feel torn between action and waiting. And so I just sit here and wait for the beating, because I know whatever we do, we aren't doing the right thing. Why? I feel like we ask God and we gets answers (look at Sean and Sophie)...but the answers bring on more questions and problems that aren't answerable with black and whites. There is nothing we can do that will make things better, but there are plenty of things that we can do that will make them worse. Pretty much making a decision means that we're going to get screwed somehow.
This seems off-track, but I used to agonize over decisions like this: my mom says she's going to the store, and asks if I want to go with her. I don't really want to - I'd rather stay home and play with my friends - but I know if I don't, I'll miss out on that experience (seriously, the experience. Not the things I thought I'd be able to talk her into buying me.). But if I go, I'll miss the experience of being with my friends. Sometimes compromises were possible and I'd bring my friend(s) with me, but if that wasn't an option, I'd seriously regret the choice I didn't make for missing out on "what could have been." I try not to play games like that anymore, but it's sometimes hard to control. And sometimes I see the possibilities of each before I make a decision and I'm totally unable to decide. It's seriously an inability. Not a game I'm playing. I don't want to blame anyone else for whether or not I should have chosen a different option, and I don't think I consciously do...but I guess it does leave the option of feeling screwed either way: either out of a fun time I could have had, or into an experience that wasn't fun. So you, see, it ties in, this feeling of being screwed no matter what we do. Make that "what I do." See, I could just do the dishes myself after three days of Chip promising to do them and screw myself, or I could yell at him that he didn't do them, and feel screwed again when he gets mad at me (and he'll get mad and feel screwed out of the loving wife he thought he married). Why do I feel that I might as well be the only one screwed? Well, I do feel that way, and usually take on way too much from anyone (that thing with the dishes and Chip was just today's example), but today I'm tired of it. I feel like making everyone else feel angry, too. I feel like throwing things around and making everyone around me feel as angry as I do, and as screwed as I do. But not as badly as I wanted it when I started this post. So tell me, am I still wasting time, or is this a good thing?